Broken
by McGeekle
Summary: Tag to episode 10x23 'Double Blind' Tony and Ziva discuss the elephant in the room. But even as she tries to explain, she's not sure she can fix it this time.


It had been a long rest of the day. Gibbs was taken into custody, and the team immediately leapt into action. They looked up every case file they could find on Parsons' list, trying to find anything that would help Gibbs' case. The team were working as well as they could, even with Tony's determined effort not to meet Ziva's gaze no matter how desperately she tried to draw it to her. She looked across their desks almost longingly at him, willing him to slip and look her way. Her wish was not granted as he typed a little too deliberately, hitting each key a little too hard. The harsh sound echoed in the otherwise stony silence.

Tony stood abruptly, walking towards the men's room without a word. Calmly, Ziva rose to follow.

"Tony," she started.

"I really think we need to talk about the concept of the men's room," he said curtly.

"Even then, it would still be the location of many of our important conversations, yes?"

"No, Ziva,"

"I really think we should talk about this."

"Not right now."

"Tony, please."

"No. You don't get to decide this. I'm not ready to talk about it. Not when we have so many other things to think about."

He met her eyes for the first time since Gibbs' apprehension.

"We're not doing this right now." His anger stole her breath.

She stood, dejected, but firm. "If not now, when?" She wasn't leaving until they had a definite plan.

"I'll meet you at your apartment after work."

She nodded minutely in reply before he brushed by her, not sparing her a second glance.

It was Vance who dismissed them, ultimately. He knew the team, and he knew they weren't doing themselves any favors by running themselves into the ground. He ordered them to get some rest, and they obeyed, however begrudgingly. As they left the office, She met Tony's eyes and her heart sunk, the nerves she'd been tamping down all afternoon rushing forward and overwhelming her. She clenched her fist, steeling herself for the ride home, hoping it would help her keep focus for the night to come.

He was tense, as was the air in the apartment as soon as he was inside. There was much to discuss, and though talking about Adam would not be pleasant, it wasn't what worried her the most. The worry was burning deep in her chest that she couldn't fix what she had broken, that this was the last straw for him. She wasn't sure how far she would go to fix things between them, and that shook her more than anything else.

They sat on opposite ends of her living room, physically as far from each other as they could be. Ziv was the first to break the silence.

"I know that I have no right to ask anything of you right now. But please, I need you to try to let go of your anger for a moment and let me explain."

"You had sex with him, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Then I don't know what there is to explain."

She looked at him sadly, regret burning in her heart. "Please give me this, Tony. I know I do not deserve it, but I believe you do."

"Fine," he replied tersely.

She took a deep breath and began. "I know you said that I was not alone, and for a little while I believed it...But you cannot understand what it is like, being surrounded by people who look upon you with nothing but disdain. People who thought that I shamed my family and my country for defying him, for leaving Mossad, for becoming a US citizen. To them I am a traitor, unworthy of being in his presence even in death. The little distant family I have left could not bear pleasantries, and my father, my last remaining family member was dead. And in that moment, I _was alone._ I wanted to feel connected to someone that saw me as more than my father's traitorous daughter. And he was there."

"And I wasn't."

She shrugged. She didn't have a better answer for him.

"I would have come to Tel Aviv if you'd asked me to."

"I know you would have."

"Then why didn't you?"

"I do not know. I suppose I didn't think of it."

"You didn't think of it or you didn't want to?"

Silence.

"Huh. Well there it is. You just didn't want me around."

"That is not true."

"It certainly seems it. You could have called me Ziva, you knew I would have come, but you hopped on the first guy you could find instead. I think that speaks pretty loudly, don't you?"

"It was a mistake. And not one that I need constantly rubbed in my face."

"You're the one who keeps bringing it up. You're the one who said we needed to talk about it. So now we're talking."

"It is not fair that you are making such a big deal out of this. You are making me feel as though I cheated on you, Tony. But I did not. We are not together. I should not have to feel guilty about this."

"You know what, you're right. I'm the asshole here. I'm the one that's upset about you going off and sleeping with some guy that's not me and I have no right because we're not dating. But you know what? I'm gonna be pissed off anyway. Because I thought we were finally getting somewhere. I thought that for once, we were almost in the same place at the same time. But then all this shit with your father happened, and it's like you threw it all in my face. You didn't trust me to help you find Bodnar, hell, you probably would have cut me out completely if I didn't track you down like I always do."

"I had my reasons for not telling you..."

"You always have reasons, Ziva. And they all lead to the same conclusion. You don't trust me."

"You know that is not true."

"It is. You don't trust me with your rage filled vendettas, you don't trust me with your feelings, and you definitely don't trust me with your heart."

"Tony...that is not..."

"I mean have I been delusional all this time? Have I just imagined that we were working towards something?"

"No, of course not."

"Do you even want me at all?"

"You are my partner. Of course I want you around."

"But do you want me?"

"What?"

"I need to know if you want me." He said it slowly, deliberately.

She sat slack jawed for a moment before crossing the room to sit beside him.

"Is that what this is about? You are wondering if I want to be with you? Do you honestly thing that I could forget what it feels like for us to be together? What you can make me feel? I will never forget that summer we spent together, Tony. Never. But we are not the same as we were. We have been through so much since then. Tony, I am sorry that you feel as though I do not trust you. And I am sorry that I have betrayed your trust. But if you are trying to assume that the experience I had with Adam would be the same as one I could have had with you, you are wrong. That summer, we were just having sex. And I could never have that with you again because I care about you too much. Sex with you would have been emotional and complicated because you are _you _and we are whatever we are. Right at that moment, I did not want to think about or to feel anything. I was lonely, and sad and vulnerable and confused, and I did not want to feel any of those things. I wanted to...forget. Leave all of it behind."

"And Adam was there." He said, traces of bitterness in his tone.

"Yes. Proximity was a factor. But with Adam, I knew it would mean nothing. There would be no strings attached. I would wake in the morning and he would be gone, and there would be nothing more. But with you, it would have meant…everything. You are my best friend, Tony. I would not want to ruin what we have for anything. But I wasn't ready for what _more _meant for us, especially if I was going to hurt you in the process." She paused momentarily. "I suppose it was in vain. I ended up hurting you anyway."

She saw the rage drain out of him as she finished her piece. All she could hope was that he understood. She took his hand in hers, lacing their fingers together for the first time since the crash. They fit as well as she'd remembered. She looked into his eyes and saw only resignation there. Not what she had hoped.

"I am sorry, Tony. I truly am."

"I know," he whispered.

"I do not know...if I can fix this," she said as she swiped a tear from her cheek.

"You can't." her face fell in solemn acceptance. "At least not right now."

"Okay."

"I just need some time."

"I understand," she whispered.

He squeezed her hand once before pulling his fingers from her grasp and moving away. He made his way to the door, but stopped short, turning back to her.

"You didn't answer my question," he said.

"What?"

"You didn't answer my question before. About whether or not you want to be with me."

"I do," she paused, "Almost desperately."

"Then we'll figure it out."

"Okay."

He reached for her, gently taking her head in his hand, and kissed her on the forehead. He gave her a slight smile as he pulled away, leaving nearly silently, much more calmly than he came. And as the door shut softly behind him she couldn't help but think that perhaps, they weren't as broken as she thought.


End file.
